What does it mean to forgive my partner?

Interview with Dr John Moran, Clinical Psychologist

At the Paris Psychology centre we frequently work with people navigating some of the most painful experiences relationships can produce... betrayal, broken trust, and wounds that can feel impossible to move past. Infidelity, in particular, is one of the most common and most devastating forms of relational harm we encounter. We asked Dr John Moran, who specializes in couples work, to help us understand what forgiveness really means, and what it can, and cannot, do.

Let's start with the basics. What actually is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts in psychology, and in life. Most of us grew up with the idea that forgiving means excusing what happened, minimizing the pain it caused, or simply "getting over it." None of those things are true.

Psychologically, forgiveness is better understood as a deliberate, internal process of releasing the ongoing grip that resentment and bitterness have on us. It is something we do for ourselves – not for the person who caused the hurt. Research consistently shows that carrying chronic resentment is associated with elevated stress, poorer immune functioning, and greater risk of depression and anxiety. Forgiveness, when genuine, tends to reduce those burdens.

What forgiveness is not is equally important. It is not forgetting. It is not condoning. And – crucially – it is not the same as reconciliation.

You mentioned reconciliation. Can you say more about the difference?

This distinction matters enormously, and in my clinical work it is one of the first things I explore with couples – particularly those dealing with infidelity.

Forgiveness is an internal shift. A person can forgive without ever telling the other party, and without choosing to remain in the relationship. Reconciliation, by contrast, is a relational choice. It requires two people, demonstrated change, and the slow rebuilding of trust. It is not always safe, appropriate, or even possible.

A partner who has been betrayed through infidelity can reach a genuine place of forgiveness – and still decide the relationship cannot continue in its old form, or at all. These are separate decisions, and people need to know they do not owe reconciliation as proof of forgiveness.

Equally, a couple can choose to reconcile – and many do, often successfully – without the injured partner yet feeling fully forgiving. Rebuilding comes first; forgiveness often follows, gradually, as trust is restored over time.

What kinds of relationship hurts are you typically working with?

Infidelity is perhaps the most common presenting wound in couples work, but the forms it takes vary widely – a single affair, an emotional connection that crossed into intimacy, a long-term hidden relationship, or a pattern of repeated betrayals. Each carries its own particular kind of pain.

Beyond infidelity, we work with many other relational hurts: secrets kept over years, financial deceptions, emotional abandonment during critical moments, and the accumulated weight of small wounds that, layered together, become deeply injurious. We also see adults processing long-standing hurts within family relationships – between parents and children, or between siblings – often surfacing in the context of a current partnership.

"Forgiveness is not something we do for the person who hurt us, but to reclaim our own peace."

What matters clinically is not always the objective "size" of the event, but the meaning the injured person has attached to it. A single dismissive comment can sometimes wound more deeply than a major acknowledged crisis, depending on history and context.

How does forgiveness support the person who was hurt?

This is perhaps the most important thing I want readers to take away: forgiveness is primarily an act of self-compassion. Research by psychologists such as Robert Enright and Everett Worthington has demonstrated clearly that the benefits of forgiveness flow mainly to the person doing the forgiving.

When we hold on to resentment, our nervous system stays activated. We replay the injury. We carry it into other interactions – including with people who had nothing to do with the original hurt. Over time, that weight affects our mood, our health, and our capacity for connection.

Moving toward forgiveness involves several internal shifts: acknowledging the full reality of the hurt, understanding – without necessarily excusing – the human context in which it occurred, making an active choice to release its hold, and rebuilding a sense of personal agency and meaning. In the context of infidelity, this process can be particularly complex, because the betrayal often strikes at a person's sense of self, not just their trust in their partner.

Therapy can be enormously valuable here, because the process is rarely linear, and almost never as simple as just deciding to forgive.

What would you say to someone who wants to forgive but genuinely cannot?

First: that is extraordinarily common, and it does not mean you are failing. Forgiveness cannot be forced or rushed. Pressure from a partner, a family member, or from yourself, tends to produce the opposite of what is intended. It generates shame and resistance, not genuine release. This is especially true after infidelity, where the injured partner may feel pushed to "move on" before they have had the chance to fully grieve what was lost.

What I would encourage instead is curiosity. Ask yourself: What would need to be different – in the relationship, or in myself – for forgiveness to feel even slightly more possible? That question often opens doors that a direct push toward forgiveness keeps firmly closed.

And when forgiveness feels out of reach, there are still meaningful goals to work toward: reducing the intensity of the pain, reclaiming your own narrative, and building a life that is not defined by what was done to you. It's worth remembering that forgiveness is not something we do for the person who hurt us. It is something we do to reclaim our own peace. A skilled therapist can help you navigate all of this, at whatever pace is right for you.

If you are navigating the aftermath of infidelity or another relational wound and would like to speak with one of our psychologists, we would be glad to support you. You can reach us at contact@parispsychologycentre.com or by calling +33 7 56 98 86 22.