Do my partner and I need couples therapy?

Francis Merson Clinical Psychologist

Couples therapy has a reputation for being a last resort. It's something you turn to when things have become serious, when divorce is on the table, or when something dramatic has gone wrong. In reality, it is most useful much earlier than that. If you are wondering whether you and your partner might benefit from it, that wondering itself is worth paying attention to.

The good news is that the bar is lower than most people think. You do not need to be in crisis to benefit from couples work. Many of the couples who get the most from therapy are those who come relatively early, when patterns are still relatively new and both partners still have energy for change. So rather than asking "are we bad enough to need therapy?", a better question might be: "are there things between us that we keep not being able to fix on our own?"

Here are some of the most common signs that couples therapy might be worth exploring.

You keep having the same argument

One of the clearest signals is the sense of being stuck on repeat: the same fight, the same escalation, the same unresolved ending, over and over. It might be about money, or time, or parenting, or how much space each of you needs. The content matters less than the pattern: you arrive at the same impasse, and neither of you quite knows how to move past it.

This kind of recurring conflict is not evidence that a couple is fundamentally incompatible. Research by psychologist John Gottman suggests that a large majority of relationship conflicts are "perpetual" in nature, rooted in genuine differences in personality, values or needs that will not simply dissolve. What distinguishes couples who manage these differences from those who don't is not whether the differences exist, but whether they have found a way of living with them without damaging each other in the process.

Couples therapy can be useful precisely here. It offers a space to understand not just what you are arguing about but why, and to develop a way of having those conversations that doesn't leave both of you feeling worse than before.

Real conversation has dried up

A subtler sign than open conflict is a change in how much you genuinely talk to each other. Not logistics — plenty of couples maintain the mechanics of conversation: children, plans, what's for dinner. But real conversation, the kind in which you say something that actually matters to you and feel heard, can quietly disappear from a relationship without either partner consciously noticing.

Often this happens because sharing something honest has stopped feeling safe. One or both partners have learned, through experience, that certain topics lead somewhere painful. So they stop going there. A kind of careful distance settles in, and the relationship becomes more managed, less alive.

This is sometimes called emotional withdrawal, and it tends to be more corrosive than fighting. Arguments are at least a form of engagement. Withdrawal can leave partners feeling that the relationship is drifting toward indifference, which is harder to reverse than conflict.

The balance of the relationship feels off

Sometimes there is no single dramatic problem, but a creeping sense that the relationship has become unequal or unsatisfying in ways that are hard to articulate. One partner feels like they give more than they receive. One person's needs consistently seem to take priority. A major life change (a move, a new job, a child, a bereavement) has reshuffled things in ways that were never properly renegotiated.

These situations can be hard to raise precisely because they feel difficult to prove. "It's not that anything is wrong exactly..." is a phrase couples therapists hear often. But a persistent background dissatisfaction is worth taking seriously. It tends not to resolve itself.

Trust has been damaged

Some couples come to therapy because something has happened — an infidelity, a significant betrayal, a secret that has come to light. In these situations the need for support is usually clearer, though many couples still hesitate, unsure whether the relationship is worth saving or whether they are "supposed" to try.

What therapy offers here is not a verdict. A good couples therapist will not tell you whether to stay or leave. What they can do is help you both understand what happened, and what it would take to rebuild — and then let you make an informed decision about whether that process is one you want to undertake. Many couples who experience serious breaches of trust do go on to build something real together. But it tends to require more than time and goodwill. It requires deliberate, supported work.

One of you is struggling and the other is holding things together

An often-overlooked situation is one in which a partner is going through something significant, such as depression, anxiety, grief or a major life transition, and the other partner is doing their best to hold things together. These couples are not in "relationship trouble" in the usual sense, but the strain of sustained asymmetry can accumulate quietly. One partner feels guilty for being a burden. The other feels helpless, or resentful of a dynamic they didn't choose. The relationship ends up organised around one person's difficulty in ways that can leave both feeling alone.

Couples therapy in this context is not about fixing the struggling partner. It is about helping both people navigate a difficult period together, rather than side by side but separately — which is a different, and often lonelier, experience.

What if only one of us wants to go?

This is one of the most common obstacles. One partner is keen; the other is reluctant. It can feel like an impasse. Therapy seems to require two willing participants, and if one person resists, the whole idea seems to stall.

In practice, a difference in enthusiasm at the start is very common, and a good therapist will not require both partners to arrive equally motivated. What matters is that both are willing to show up and see what the process is like, which is a considerably lower bar than believing it will definitely work.

It is also worth the more resistant partner asking themselves honestly what the reluctance is about. Sometimes it is a fear of being blamed. Sometimes it is a worry that therapy will surface things that cannot be put back. A skilled therapist will know these fears well. Couples therapy at its best is not about finding out who is wrong. It is about understanding the dynamic between two people — which belongs to neither of them alone.

What kind of therapy should we be looking for?

This is a practical question that does not always get a straight answer, so it is worth addressing directly.

The most well-researched approach to couples therapy is the Gottman Method, developed by John and Julie Gottman over several decades of research into what makes relationships succeed or fail. It is structured and skills-based, focusing on things like how couples manage conflict, how they stay connected during ordinary life and how they support each other's deeper needs and aspirations. It tends to be a good fit for couples dealing with recurring conflict or communication problems.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Sue Johnson, takes a different but equally well-supported route. It focuses on the emotional bond between partners — specifically on the patterns of pursuit and withdrawal that tend to develop when that bond feels insecure. EFT is particularly useful when emotional distance or disconnection is the main concern, and it has a strong evidence base.

A third option, especially when the relationship difficulty is intertwined with individual issues such as anxiety, depression or past trauma, is an integrative approach drawing on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). These can be adapted for couples work and may be a natural fit if one or both partners are already familiar with these frameworks.

In practice, many therapists draw on more than one model, adapting their approach to what the couple actually needs. What matters most when choosing a therapist is not rigid adherence to one school, but that they are specifically trained in couples work (rather than individual therapy applied to two people at once), that both partners feel reasonably comfortable with them and that the approach feels collaborative rather than adversarial.

Is it too late?

This is the question couples ask themselves most often, and the honest answer is: usually not. Couples therapists regularly work with people who were convinced they had left it too long, and who often find that the relationship still has something in it.

What is true is that entrenched patterns are harder to shift the longer they have been in place. Gottman's research identified contempt, stonewalling, defensiveness and relentless criticism as the patterns most predictive of decline when they become habitual. But habitual does not mean irreversible. The more relevant question is not whether the damage is too great, but whether both partners retain some motivation to try. If the answer is yes (even tentatively) it is probably not too late.

At the Paris Psychology Centre, we offer couples therapy with experienced English-speaking psychologists. Sessions are 50 minutes and cost 180€. If you would like to explore whether couples therapy might be right for you, please don't hesitate to get in touch.