Celebrating the Holidays without Conflict

Francis Merson Clinical Psychologist

The holidays place unusual demands on the mind and nervous system. Familiar people, old roles, heightened expectations, and reduced rest converge in a short space of time. From a psychological perspective, it’s one of the most reliable setups for reactivity — even in families that generally function well.

These five strategies focus less on fixing others, and more on working with how human psychology actually operates under stress.

1. Work with your nervous system, not against it

When conflict arises, it’s rarely because someone is acting from a place of tranquility. Research in affective neuroscience shows that once the nervous system moves into a state of threat or overload, the brain’s capacity for reflection, empathy, and impulse control is significantly reduced.

This is why advice to “just stay calm” rarely works once you're already activated.

Instead, do the regulation bit first. Changing your physical state – stepping outside, slowing your breathing, grounding your body, shifting environments – directly reduces physiological arousal. Only once the nervous system settles does reasoning return. In practice, many conflicts dissolve simply because the body is no longer on high alert.

2. Identify the role you're being pulled into

Family systems theory shows that families operate as emotional systems, not just collections of individuals. Under stress, people are pulled back into familiar roles learned early in life: the responsible one, the mediator, the difficult one or the invisible one.

These roles feel compelling because they once served a function. Conflict often emerges when someone unconsciously resists or overperforms their role – for example, when the peacemaker feels resentful, or the “easy one” finally pushes back.

Noticing the role is powerful. You don’t need to confront it or explain it. Simply choosing not to fully inhabit it – speaking less, doing less, fixing less – can change the emotional tone of the interaction.

3. Question expectations before questioning people

Cognitive psychology highlights how strongly expectations shape emotional reactions. When reality fails to match what we believe should happen, disappointment and frustration often arise before we’re even aware of it.

Holidays are especially loaded with implicit expectations: closeness, gratitude, harmony, meaningful connection... When those expectations aren’t met, people often experience the situation as a personal failure — theirs or someone else’s.

A useful psychological move is to gently interrogate the expectation itself. Is it realistic? Is it shared? Is it necessary? Often, lowering expectations — while maintaining personal values — reduces emotional charge far more effectively than trying to change behaviour in the moment.

4. Set boundaries early to protect regulation

Boundaries are often framed as interpersonal tools, but psychologically they are regulatory tools. Research on stress and emotional exhaustion shows that people become more reactive when they feel trapped, overexposed, or unable to withdraw.

Waiting until you’re already overwhelmed makes boundary-setting more abrupt and conflict-prone. Planning limits in advance – shorter visits, scheduled breaks, neutral exit lines, opting out of certain conversations – protects regulation before it deteriorates.

Healthy boundaries are usually quiet. They don’t require explanation or justification. Their function is to keep the nervous system within tolerable limits.

5. Accept that some conflicts are structural, not solvable

Some holiday conflicts persist not because people are communicating badly, but because they are embedded in long-standing family structures. Family systems research shows that certain tensions are maintained by roles, hierarchies, and unspoken rules that have been in place for years, sometimes decades.

Expecting these dynamics to resolve during a short, emotionally charged holiday period often increases frustration and disappointment. When resolution doesn’t happen, people may interpret this as failure — theirs or someone else’s — rather than recognising the structural nature of the conflict.

A more psychologically realistic approach is to focus on containment rather than change. This might mean choosing not to engage with predictable flashpoints, limiting exposure to certain interactions, or allowing tensions to exist without trying to fix them. Containment isn’t resignation; it’s an informed decision about what this context can reasonably support.

The holidays don’t need to be conflict-free to be worthwhile. From a psychological perspective, the goal is not harmony at all costs, but maintaining enough regulation, flexibility, and self-respect to get through the period without unnecessary damage.

If the holiday season reliably brings up anxiety, emotional exhaustion, or repeated conflict, it may indicate deeper attachment or family-system patterns being activated. Exploring these in therapy can help future gatherings feel less reactive — and more within your control.